=)

As the love of my life left.. I hear the sounds of my heart breaking and my love life collapse upon me just in that moment.. I was in pieces.. Hoping that someone would be kind enough to pick me up.. and put me back to the form when i was once truly happy.. Holding back my tears as i tried to race against the wind.. I ran and ran and ran there it was.. Where my ticket stood still.. The ticket home.. My brother arrived to pick me up from school.. He wanted to have some ice cream too, not knowing how i felt.. The feeling of crying my eyes out and then the head bursting effect made me desperately persuaded him not to have some and just send me home..

He sensed something wrong and just obliged to what i asked for.. The moment i tot i would be able to relieve the tension in me.. my mother came.. i have to hold back again.. my heart is broken and i couldn't take it anymore.. inappropriate ways of releasing stress is a big problem.. I knew about it.. and now to not hurt others but onli myself... I found a way of releasing it and that's by releasing my anger and sadness by crying it out as the pain slits through my hand - i started to cut myself again..

No matter how painful it is.. It will be gone in a while.. But the pain in the heart will need lots of time to heal.. It was in such tender care and now it's trying to fit in but just couldnt.. The pain of sitting beside someone u love but yet cant give him a hug or kiss him b4 i leave to places.. To have someone on the phone all the time happy to hear u and will be with u whenever u nid him.. My dream was crushed.. My ambition, hope, cheerfulness went along with it..

Gloomy like the sky today.. Shining dimly in a corner.. Waiting for a miracle to happen when tears roll down my cheeks, waiting for someone to wipe my tears for me.. I looked everywhere, hoping to find the one who would do it.. Nobody came.. NOBODY.. I was left alone just there and then.. All the while no matter how angry i am or whatever i will not miss my meals.. But i lost my appetite.. My dessert was taken by someone else and the appetizers disappeared..

The person who i share my feelings to and the excitement in school that happened is sick of listening.. He want to listen no more and asked me to move on with life happily.. Crap =)


I will not live happily when i dun have someone to share things with..

Hatred, Betrayal and Forgiving

Hatred is something so common among people that to us hating someone is just something very normal. People abuse the word of 'hate' and forgotten what it truly means. I've been thinking for a long time how can a person hate someone until they dun talk to each other for months or even longer.. My mom always tell me that if u hate someone it actually means that you hate yourself. But she's been saying that for years and i still don't understand.. I think it was because i was not mature enough to really think what hating people mean.

I hate my father, i really do hate him. That day i asked myself, why do i hate him so much? Despite that he just left you for his on happiness and life and ruined ur childhood and wrecked your life? I always think that it's all his fault for me hating him. IT IS! maybe.. But recently i found out what hating means, you can't hate someone when you don't want one to be good.. Back to what i started, so why do i hate my father? I figured out that i hate my father so much is because i really care about him. I hate him because i cared about him bout he disappoint me. I hate him because he broke my mother's heart. I hate him because he lost my father. All this hating. is because i care..

If you dun care about someone, you wouldn't even bother to hate him or her cos you dont have feelings for them and it doesn't matter to you whether he's good or bad.. But someone that has been really close to you betrayed u or someone u really trusted backstabbed you or whatever bad things that you can imagine one can do to you.. You couldn't help but hating them because you really care about him/her and you really had high hopes for them..

Betraying someone it's a bad thing to do. The worst thing to do is to betray yourself. When someone love you so much and you have the same good feeling with him/her but you ignore or hurt her. you are betraying yourself. Betraying your happiness.. When you betrayed someone's trust. Once forgive, TWICE, forgiven but at your THRICE, you still make the same mistake, it is too bad.. It is bad to started and it is even worse to repeat.

Have you thought of one day you love ones betray you and it hurt you so badly?
Let's not talk about love life, let's talking your family members.. what if one day you found out that your mother actually wanted to sell you off just because she's a hardcore gambler and she's out of money and you burst out of her womb and she's too stupid to realise your a treasure.. How would you feel when someone that has a special bonding with you just didn't bother to get to know about you and love you and be responsible of you? It goes the same for your friends. When You betray your friends if u're lucky they will forgive but if u're unlucky they'll forgive you once again if u repeat the same mistake.. If it is for ur own good.. If the forgive u when u repeated the mistake and always forgive u.. U're not learning from ur mistake but taking their forgiveness for granted, maybe they don't care about you or maybe you're just too close to them that they don't want to lose you.. You yourself must know that it is wrong and you must put a stop to it. YOU MUST PUT A STOP TO IT. If one can do so. doesn't mean everyone can do it.

I don't like people to repeat or even make mistakes. Especially mistakes of life, principle or whatever.. When you do not set a principle of your own, when u go out of track you wouldn't notice because you don't have ur principle, you didn't draw a line for your limit. Different people has got different principles for set for their own. You yourself who set the principle must oblige your own principle. You set law for yourself to show maturity and also proving urself that u're not a barbarian or a tarzan or tarzan's gf me..

Anyway, forgiving someone it's not easy. When someone says that they forgive you, maybe they didn't really mean it.. You must look into yourself ones in a while to make sure you dun make a mistake too big to fix.. In life, studies or others. Forgiving someone it's good and it is not wrong to forgive someone easily, BUT it is wrong if you take people's forgiveness for granted! It is not wrong for u to give but it is wrong for u to take.

And last but not least. I love u sweetie! mwahs! =D

Introduction to my Dewey!

He enjoys taking over my pillow =)






Lazy and tired and manja look!





Detention




This one is when he was naughty and feeling
guilty look =)




I know he's adorable!!~~

Currently

Deeply in love with my sweetheart..
Hoping to spend every single second with you..
Can't bare to see your sad face..
Love u more than ever..
To know how to treasure someone..
Had taken me a long time to learn..
As now i know..
That i will definitely take u..
More serious than ever..
As u are a part of me..
Tearing me as you leave..
But i know u promise that you wont..
So now i have faith in you...
Pls do not disappoint me..
I've gave already i have to u..
I gave in to u..
U are everything that i've dreamt of..
After my family u would come first no matter wat..
U know how much my family is to me..
So now i'm hereby to tell everyone who reads my blog(not much that i know..) and u..
That...

I LOVE YOU!!!!~~~~~~~~~

=) FINE

My life is great lately!!~~ well most of all.. i'm having a perfect life as i learn to live off my father.. now everything is going fine.. get to see my boyfren everday and mom close to be than ever.. things changed a lot.. as now i am totally into harry potters.. currently at my half blood prince as if u're in my school u'll know.. =) i bring it every where i go eventhough i know i'm not gonna read it..

well.. the onli person who can ruin my life now is my sister =) and of cos my most precious dewey!~ well sister still haven change.. everytime when we talk about something we would argue about it. as for dewey.. he attempted to ran away quite a number of times.. as my treatment for him is superbly bad =) well.. my laziness seems to be taking over me rapidly.. i've been feeding him irregularly.. i know that's bad.. and that day i got scolded by my sister.. she said just because u eat irregularly doesn't mean that dwey has to be with u as well u irresponsible harry potter freak and useless girl.

Last Day of 2007

How are you spending ur last day of 2007? With ur family frens? or alone at home doing things that oni satisfy urself. a new year is coming. get along with ur family for this special day as it is never b4 and never again day just like every other days but tomoro it's a public holiday. A new year it's already here. Have u prepared everything for it? New stuffs are going to come going to happen are u ready to face it yet?

I'm now alone awake in the house while all the others are sleeping.. The last day of the year mostly i would hope to spend with someone i truly care about or someone who truly cares abt me.. But then i found out that sometimes u jus suddenly dissapeared for so many times in a row ppl jus dun give a fcuk. believe me.. i didn't really nid much attention but sometimes getting attention makes u feel that u're not abandoned. Today was a emotional day. Lucky to have someone dearest to me to talk to even though he was busy to me. When everything is falling apart he'll always be there for me. Mostly i would onli be sad abt my family probs as my family is BIG problem. so. parents divorced and now together but with an extra 3rd party. Everything that i care of, my mom just ignore me..


For what i've always know that mothers love their children the most more than their husband as expected. my mom already have lots and lots of blessings
children like us who still talks to her joke laugh tease and share. children who doesnt take drugs create problems or make her worry.. we're independant and we're already working. 38 at all times and a laughing sack. she's got all she nid money food love care and problems. but she just nid the BIGGEST PROBLEM. which is so unfortunately my dad. leaving us behind and trying her best to get my father back. 3 of us definitely disagree her for being together with my father again as my father never take relationships seriously. especially without sex. he would die without it. last day of 2007, he came for dinner and said wanted to go watch fireworks but then a sudden call came he left without informing us. we tot he would come back until we called him and he said he sneaked off for some other appointments.. so the last day of 2007, forsaken by a useless dad. as already forsaken for a long time but this time it really pisses me off.



i'm not a violent person but sometimes i just feel like using just garden sheers to cut his toes one by one. use the nail clippers to pinch his skin and skin him. stuffing a key into his eye and force him to take it out. make him cry like hell. suffer and feel the pain in every inch of his body. cut him and avoid all the major arteries so he'll nid more time to die.. to have water entering his lungs and letting him to feel it would be just fantastic.


anyway skip it. sorry for being so lame as sometimes my father can be really dumb =) although i'm alone now but then it feels weird cos it's gonna be another new year but then... we're not celebrating at all.. what's the matter man.. no spirits! dam~ i'm missing a lot of ppl now..


since a new year is coming i hope to apologize to everyone that i have aggrivated or teased or offended i am very veyr sorri and hope that u would forgive me as i wouldnt want u to hate me again. i hope everyone would have a really nice new year. how u wan ur day to be like u decide urself. if u wanna be happy then ppl getting emotional or accusing u wouldn't affect ur day as u choose not to be affected =) be who u wan to be.. heard of ' i am therefore i am'? think abt it. theres 10 more mins away to a new 1st of january 2008. and i know that i would definitely be hard for me to change the habit of writing 2007.

anyway i'm not gonna stay up till midnite or the new year so..




HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!~~

Something's Wrong

I've never since young like kids. I've always thought that they're juz pure troubles and noise.Now that i've got a closer view of kids. They are cute. Very cute indeed. When troubles come if u deal it well, they're even cuter.Some emotional times when they see you crying, they would approach you juz a simple smile or just show concern. It's like they just brighten you up. You would straight away hug them and just let it out. It's hard holding back things. Especially feelings. I remember mom said, married woman or jus ladies. When you hold back ur tears or pressurise urself. It's very easy to get breast cancer..

Something's wrong, i'm actually starting to like kids. Especially the normal born kids but not pampered and others. Children are such wonders when they would learn to care help and love. I'm currently a swimming instructor, mostly teaching kids to swim not ready for adults yet but working on it. I teach all 4 strokes breast back fly free. So back to the point. We're now trying to ask our students to put back the things they used after class.(we supply swimming boards flippers pull buoys for them to use but our company's property). Some of the students no matter how many times u remind them, mayb they dun do it or they forgotten, i dont know but they just wont do it. They onli have to put back the ones they use. Is it that hard? To have a little responsible for the things u use? So some of the students, they're just doing their part perfectly. Very very good students . Unexpectly, the poor students have big big ego. For my rich students even they have their own driver and individual maids. They would even help putting back those who didn't put it. They would help me pick up the left overs. But there are also rich students that wouldnt listen and thinks juz becos they're rich they can do anything they want. As long as their parents cooperate with us everything would be fine =)


I felt truly touch to have someone helping me although i've been torturing them(mayb). They still put a smile on their face after doing it. There's always laughing crying screaming scaring pushing running drowning improving scolding winning losing learning slipping complaining and so on.. but not drowning of cos. other than that. Sometimes it's not easy to deal with the probs if a child is too pampered. Problems come u chuck them aside but they're still there. Although they're young but it's always good to have some preparation. Bit by bit so by the time he grow up he would be tough enuff to face problems and solve them. Take them in instead of just running away from them.