I always insist on being with ppl when they need me, no matter the gender. You told me to butt out of stuff. A society like this, if everyone just focus on their own and doesn't see to the need of others, you'll never get to find a shoulder to cry on when you need one, when you lay sick on the hospital bed, bored to death, hoping a person will pay you a visit, nobody will come. Why? because just like you, their busy with their own business. When u need a helping hand, you'd be alone. Why? Cos you're too occupied with your work and neglected others, and what makes you feel that you deserve the attention when you have not given out any, to anybody, anyhow, anywhen.
Even if it's a friend, who just needs to share a part of their life. It will be nice, to know it yourself that when they're in need, you were there, holding their hand, walking them through difficulty. Because, helping others, you do not need a condition, you do not need to be rich, you do not need to be strong physically, all you need, is just a little bit of your time. To care for others. And time, a natural element that God gave us, something that we can never purchase. Why is it made so? Because God knows, if we'll have to buy time from him, everyone will become as self-centered as ever.
Time is free. We have 24 hours a day. We have 7 days in a week. It will not appear to have onli 18 hours in a day when we wake up. Why is it set this way? TO have 24 hours a day and definitely 7 days in a week. So as to let us manage our time well.
I love to help. I want to help. It is my passion to help. I wish to help, whenever, wherever, however.
You've never been there for my swimming competitions to cheer for me. To tell me ''You did great darling!'' after i worked hard for it. To pour me a hot drink and ask '' Are you cold my dear?'' Or just show a sign that you're proud of me. You weren't there. I've been to a plenty of swimming competitions. I asked you to be there for me every single time. You were never to be seen.
Before my event, I'd always thought to myself. What i would do if i could just have my mom here. To tell me '' Go for it! You can do it! You've worked hard for it and you deserve to win!''
I look around. Children of my age, talking to their parents. A simple act of a father patting the son's head, supporting him. I stood there, lost.
I quickly wiped away my tears when an adult approached me. That kind soft voice asked '' Are you okay love?'' I smiled weakly at the stranger.
Singing competitions. You've seen me practised and practised. You asked me nothing regarding anything. You never seem to care. Mayb you do, deep in your heart. What's the point of having to care for someone when you do not express it.
I know if you do get your hands on this. You'd say ''During my generation, my parents let me off to work at 12. I had no love from them. I got to work it out my own. I started everything myself.''
Okay wonder woman! I'm sorry i couldn't be like you! I know i'm very very lucky to have you as my dearly only mother. I can never ever find anybody else to replace you and i can never love anybody as i have my love for you. If that's your treatment and you know it sucks. Does that mean you'd want me to go through that as well? Just to have a bite of how you felt like? To suffer like how you did?
As much as you love me. You've been a wet blanket. Not only to me, also to dad and many more. Discouraging people. Mayb it is me who's being over sensitive here. But i do care and make it to a point that, mayb it's true, every single word you say. Even if it hurts or it just lights up my whole day. A slight sign or action that shows that you care. Mayb just ask me a question of ''How's your day?''
isn't that hard. I'm sure, that you wouldn't have to dig your pocket to search for a coin to insert into your mouth, and it'd open and say ''How's you day?'' and you'd clamp your mouth shut till the next coin goes in.
You do not have to do that, just to offer some kindness. It comes within, it is free. It is unlimited. It is done on your own free will.
I understand you'd have to work for my future. I know you're thinking of my future and planned far ahead. YOu'd know what's best for me. But i do not see any harm in if i would wanna help someone who dires help.
I am sure, when i need help, and you couldn't find a time to slot yourself in just to see me ( like the work excuse you always use all the time) you'd like someone to be there for me. and now that someone actually still do care about me right?
So why cant i do the same for others?
Don't they need to be convinced that someone loves them, that someone cares for them, that one will be there when in trouble?
There are lots of things in my life, all my firsts that you've missed. Sometimes, this tiny events that you think it's unimportant, will be the missing pieces in your puzzle when you leave. The missing pieces you'd never get to get your hands on. Because, there's only once for FIRST times, there will not be another time. The secret to your perfect puzzle in life, is the tiny tiny pieces that makes up a whole.
Every event will be different. Every individual, time, venue, feeling, will never be the same.
I need you in my life. I need to know you'd be there for me and you'd let me be there for other people. I need to know that you realise, i'd rather have you beside me all the time than having the luxury you provide us with. I need to know, that you love me dearly. Mayb just 5 mins each day to bond, would satisfy my craving for your love. To be able to convince myself, that you still care.
I love you mom. I'd always will. Just please do understand me. Because you've already missed out a lot. It will never be too late if you ask, as i am still here, waiting. Just for you.
I know i sound like the stupidest and whiniest ppl now, and how immature i sound. But these are the things that i wish you'd know.
1 comment:
Then perhaps instead of aching in silence, share it out with her, in a non-intimidating manner (You know how she reacts to whenever there are things involving child-raising). Keep it objective ;)
There are times, in which abundance of predicament shrouded our clarity of the root issue. In case this stumbled upon you, here's a humble two cents of worth:
We humans are designed generally to take up roles in the absence of the other. As with our case, the absence of paternal entity thrust mom instinctively to a vast paradigm shift (not just her actually, us too). Survival is key. And absolute pragmatism is the pivotal cornerstone to make it an reality.
However, like most things in life, you take something; you have to give something. The gravitated scars topped off with helming the extra responsibility has resulted her in blocking off emotive sensitivity, unfortunately, till today (Think of a soldier who still sleeps with a weapon nearby even though the war is over).
So as I said, bring it up to her gently and consistently. This soldier needs some post-war counseling.
Ignore my rambling if it doesn't make sense, or at least pretend to. It is the time of the day where my eyeballs should be moving rapidly under the eyelid anyway.
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