Friday, November 14

what do i wan?

I want to be able to take pleasure in the luxury of love

I want to be scooped up by the person I love.

I wan you to be with me,

I wan you to love me,

I wan you to tell me that you love me too,

I wan myself to know that it’s just a plot

I want to love you even though we can only afford a dilapidated hut,

I wan to be equip of what is coming,

I wan to tell you that your arrogance left me astounded.

I wan to tell you that your words baffled me.

I wan to recede from you

I wan you to tell me that I’m an eyesore.

I wan you to tell me that we’re meant to be forked.

I wan you to know that you are divine to me.

I wan to jostle over the sadness and clamber to happiness

I want to lavish myself with confidence to move on

I wan to leave with an immaculate heart.

I wan to parch my eyes from tears.

I want to get you out of the apprehensive feeling that you’re having.

I wan to realize that I’m something

I wan to yield out my heart

I wan you to know that my stomach has butterflies when I see you

I want to be gripped tightly before I shatter into pieces.

` I want to run away from the emotional scenes.

I wan the excruciating pain to leave me.

I wan to disperse myself into darkness.

I wan to be strong enough to desist temptations

I wan to be able to fight against the insufficiency of love.

I wan to stop myself from saying that she is revolting.

I wan to hinder myself just enough time to think.

I wan to suppress my fury self.

I want to know myself

I wan to love myself.

Thursday, November 13

Rejection.

Another rejection, another step forward,

My heart was filled with discontent at the very moment i sent out the message.
I somehow knew what the answer would be.
Something that i was hesitant over,
overwhelmed me with anguish.

Reluctantly i sent out another one,
trying to mend my mistakes,
oblivious from the fact that i do, will and always love him,
the results remain cryptic.

I wanted to hold you in a form of tangible object.
I couldn't, I scrutinized your facial expression,
every bit showed love and concern,
every fidget displayed guilt and fear,
of the mistakes repeated.

Abrupt question popped up,
you need not crease your forehead
or squeeze your brain as if to dry a wet mop.

'shrewd' i was, allowing sympathy to penetrate through my defensive walls.
Sympathy towards myself,,
i decided, i have to do this furtively, in the surreptitious way.

I will not encroach neither impinge,
I now type this quivering with tears,
the idea of eradicating the hope,
ebb and recede,
nostalgic moments,
it all had sentimental values,
and nothing more than that.

feeling nothing but solemn,
the agonizing stabbing,
the vacillate of departing from each other,
to compel myself into lying,
i was in a dream,
a mirage that i'll never wish to wake from.

endeavor was what i did,
to stop myself from flooding my eyes with tears.
to think of what was coming,
i knew it would come, it will have to, becos time wouldn't froze.
time will keep moving, forwarding our moments on the remote.
a controller i wish, to be able to hold the moment on,
to stop the time from ticking, and vanished ltr on.
to press pause when we were in each other's arms.
if there wasn't a pause button. a rewind would do fine.
the sentiments that flowed forward, will never come back.


subterfuge that was both beautiful yet painful.
in the duration of separation,
nothing seemed easy.

fretful of your condition,
my heart thuds in neurotic moments.
a dilemma i faced,
till now unsolved,
by hook or by crook,
a big leap would shard me into pieces.

a crucial point of decision,
a love life to forget,
the bravery to acceptance,
the ability to take trash,
the lurch of love,
the sashay of love.

the thing you're afraid most,
is that repetition will occur.

stern actions reflected in my eyes,
a step taken,
predictably, a good step forward,
daily routine changed rapidly,
another dent left behind.
a love once spread,
was now behind time.

dismembered from you,
ill was at ease.
the reaction i fought against,
to stare into your eyes,
i had to disrupt the moments,
that would have pulled off well.

the comfort you provide just through your eyes.
could both melt and shatter me into fluid or pieces requires enduring,
the warmth you spread with a force so powerful,
that reached into the core of my heart.
i whispered to myself, that i needed you to survive.
i would hold you tight, and never would've let go.
i scared you away, cos i love you too much.
uncertainty scattered over vestiges,
bundling themselves to cause a baffle.
creating fear of most tremendous unpleasant scenes.
repeated again and again.
the sweet reverie that lingers in my mind,
while poignant commotion interject.

an emotion expressed here,
as no one will read,
a glum blog produced,
hopefully well-written.

Tuesday, November 11

Yesterday

was my bitter sixteen birthday and also world Recycle day! 11/11/08

it was a havoc i know. nobody had fun, everyone was bored.

i was wasting their time, they wasted their money, and they still respects me.

It will be the last time, my next birthday, i'll just have my time alone, celebrating in the arcade shooting bad guys. Laughing at myself.

A few misunderstanding occurred. But i think i cleared it out.

He wanted to use the room, not that i let him in.

I like pyramid. I like ice skating, i like going to arcade, i like going shopping'rare' i like eating, i like movies. onli with you. i guess. tried with a bunch but it didnt work out.

N*** i'm sorrie. I've never known that i was such a bitch to you. Whether i existed or not it doesnt matter to you, becos i'm nothing to u. i admitt that i cried. does it matter? =] u wanted it, you asked me to cry. i did. u said it wil be the last time we ever talk. on my birthday.

i cried for loosing a fren. i will mourn for it. no matter what celebrations there is.



i was overwhelmed with gloom,
i hid in a corner away from everyone and cried, pretending to stare but it was dark, tears overflowing and leaking down my eyes.
I love you guys for coming to my party.
Thanks for coming,

Sunday, November 9

This is something that my lovely Sally gave me to write. An assignment! =D wheee...

I was asked to write a scene of Edward and Bella.... So.. here it is...
\



A scene written by stupid Jane of

Edward & Bella

The Surprise…

The silhouette of an angel was visible through the fog out of the window. The pale looking face was seen smiling. There he was lying over his sleek shiny Volvo. The fog lingered around for some moment. I came out of the bathroom with both of my hands occupied, my bag of toiletries on my left and a comb on my right. Forcefully, I combed through the haystack created from the nightmare I had yesterday . I got dressed unusually fast. I wrenched the closet open, yanking on whatever fabric I was able to reach.

From my room, I could still hear Charlie snoring from his room . I thought he was awake but he wasn’t.

‘’ I will beat you next time Harry! Believe me! You cheated!!’’ He stormed.

Edward is always prompt, not surprise by the speed he travels on foot. Sometimes it makes me wonder why he needs a car other than the obvious reasons to disguise that he is a vampire who dashes across land with rapid speed. I had been sleeping in my room without him observing me for over 3 nights. He went hunting with Carlisle and Jasper. It felt awkwardly uncomfortable to have sometime alone, I was always protected in any ways, not mentioning being baby sited all the time by the Cullen’s.

I crept down the stairs with loads of effort trying to make no noise and had to shift my weights carefully when I reached the creaky step and darted over to the door and opened it. All the agitation dissolved as soon as I looked at his smooth looking face, calm taking its place. He was at the doorstep already, inches away from me. A smile stretched across his face, presenting his white glistening teeth.

‘’Morning love.’’ He said, looking up the stairs. He kissed my forehead lightly. =.=

I flushed involuntarily. He put his hand on my face and dazzled me with his crooked smile. =.=

‘’Charlie will be down in a minute, do you want me to wait outside? It’s still early, we have plenty of time to spend.’’ He smiled again.

‘’He will leave right after his breakfast, he’s going fishing with his pales from the station, wait in the car I’ll be beside you in no time.’’ I choked.

He disappeared through the doors and the phone rang. I closed the door and staggered towards the phone. I picked it up and stared at the dirty curtains at the living room and twisted my body slightly against the wall to check whether Edward’s car was still there. Reminding myself that I’ll have to bring the curtain for dry cleaning before the next month come.

‘’Hello? Hello? Anybody there?’’ Jacob yelled through the phone.

It was deafening, despite of my absent mind I turned my attention to the stairs knowing that Charlie was singing in his bath.

‘’Hello Jacob. Dropping by with Billy for another game tonight?’’ I ask hoarsely.

‘’ Not really, I was actually thinking maybe we can go catch a movie tonight? You and me alone. I’m utterly bored and the discomfort is making me feel unhealthy.’’

He mentioned the word ‘unhealthy’ I laughed.

‘’I’m sorry Jacob, but I already have plans tonight. How bout another time? ‘’

I thought I heard a howl from over his side.

‘’Oh. Sure thing, Billy and I will be dropping over your house for another game again this weekend, just to let you know.’’ He sounded very disappointed.’’ The lasagna you prepared last week was undoubtedly delicious. ‘’ He continued.

‘’Thanks, I was delighted that you helped yourself with the lasagna. Charlie is not really fond of vestiges. Anyway I’ll see you this weekend, I am actually going to be late for an appointment, I’ll see you this weekend right? See you’’

‘’ See you! Bye!’’ Jacob sounded pleased of my appreciation .

I was relieved. I didn’t want to hurt Jacob’s feelings, he‘s an easy guy to talk to, and I like it when he’s around. It feels like he is able to manipulate the mood of people around him, he makes me feel cheerful, a gift similarly like Jasper’s.

I drifted to the kitchen and started preparing breakfast for Charlie. Charlie was startled by my speed, cooking and gobbling down the cereal, washed the dishes in the sink. Rushed out without kissing Charlie goodbye, I felt his stare followed me to the pavement. He mimed ‘’ Goodbye Dad, I love you. I’ll be back before sun down and dinner will be ready when you’re back.’’ He made it sound really scripted. He also muttered something under his breath but I couldn’t bother as I watched the love of my life beckoning me into the car holding the door open.

‘’That was fast.’’

I gave him a faint smile entertaining his sarcastic words.

‘’Mind some fresh air for today?’’ He asked politely.

‘’Sure why not, it’s been all stuffy when you’re not around.’’ I assured him .

He winded the windows down, and took off. As usual, he sped through the roads and the cold wind stung my face, but it wasn’t close to a frost bite. I kept my eyes squinted the entire time. Suddenly the rushing wind turned to a soft breeze, the fragrance from his skin and body was blowing to my direction, tempting me and I noticed that the car slowed down, cornering into a space. We were already in the school compound. After having time to glance around, no doubt we were the earliest. I stared at him with disbelief. A smile flashed across his perfect face.

Time flies. The car park was full when I was overly engrossed of Edward and did not notice that we were going to be late for class till he broke the silence.

‘’Bella? We are going to be late if we don’t get going. Mr. Barner will not forgive us for being unrehearsed for the play. Let’s go.’’

I moaned. The play, that Mr. Barner made it compulsory for all to take part, he declared that marks will me taken and scores for our oral tests were settled.

We hopped out of the car and the rest of the day slipped through. Alice fixing my attire whenever she has the chance, Rosalie was being Rosalie herself, admiring her own reflections and Emmett was trying to scare Mike Newton by giving his deadly stare, Mike almost collide into Angela with his lunch and that would have been a good start for a fight between Ben and Mike. I knew at that moment Emmett wanted to roar in triumph, Jasper looked distracted. At the cafeteria, Jessica shot a ghastly gaze at me and blasted her babbling skill at Angela with no mercy. Angela winced from time to time, Jessica was sometimes too close to her ears and she obviously felt uncomfortable. She tried to hint Jessica that she wants sometime with Ben, but Jessica was too oblivious to have notice that.

Edward chuckled, when he saw my blood drained down my body. He was listening to Jessica’s thoughts. I bumped him lightly and I got a bruise on my arm. He chuckled again under his breathe.

‘’ Easy Bella.’’

I rubbed my arm constantly and soon the livid was gone. I felt banished sitting together with the group of too beautiful ‘people’, their actions so lithely. I still stare amazed by how sinuously they can move.

* * * *

Alice dressed me baby blue today, twisting my hair with excitement as Edward just sit in the corner watching me being dolled up. I kept my eyes close the whole time, afraid that I might be astounded by myself. I did the calculations in my mind striving my luck to escape

‘’Done! Doesn’t she look beautiful Edward?’’

‘’She’s beautiful all the time Alice.’’

‘’Always.’’ He deliberated with a fulfilling smile.

Alice nodded her head on accord and held my shoulder and her cold hands made me shuddered slightly. I opened my eyes, and looked straight into myself. My jaw fell to the floor instantly, I struggled a little to have my mouth shut back.

‘’You look lovely, Bella!’’ Alice roared hopping.

‘’Err... Thanks Alice.’’

I was seated in one of the cars in the Cullen’s garage, I believe that it wouldn’t be impossible for them, to actually own a hangar of their own.

* * * *I blinked a few times and an uncanny feeling slithered in me. The chandelier glistening was the center of attention other than the live band. room. A question emerged the night before when I was in the reverie of Edward, should I engage myself a movie with Edward With the help of Edward, Alice managed to apprehend me and so I was dragged to her room and ignited her excitement within less than half a fraction of second.

Edward was equivalently patient like usual as I limped towards the restaurant. Ostensibly, the surprise was a date, in a place that I wouldn’t have selected. He was beside me holding me, so wary not to let me fall or even slip. I was vaguely aware that I used any of my strength, it felt more like Edward was lifting me mid air. We departed after a few hours and the sun was setting, I had to go home to make dinner for Charlie, I couldn’t stand Charlie always burning up his food and forcing it down his throat so that it wouldn’t be a waste. He scalded his hands for several times. Sometimes he would even leave the food cooking and enjoy a nice long bubble bath, comes back noticing that it was all burnt. It’s not even edible! It wouldn’t be surprising if he attempts to cook and unconsciously burnt down the house.

I rushed home, I was lightened to found out that his cruiser was not on the pavement yet, after kissing Edward goodbye, he stood there watching me. I would have gotten a broken nose if Edward hadn’t caught me in time. He smiled at me, I was blank again, he is too beautiful to be true. Although, he was smiling, but I can see that behind his butter-scotch eyes worries wrapped around him. I still have difficulties for distinguishing fantasy and reality when Edward is around me. Uncertainty occurs all the time when I wake up from my dreams and find that he is rocking on the chair at the corner of the room listening to me sleep.

I smiled at the sight of my reverie, secure and loved when he’s around me, wrapping me with his atypical warmth. Filling the gaps in my heart.

Somehow, right after I added some decorations on the dish, Charlie exploded through the doors without taking off his gun he dived into the steak gobbling down the food, apparently, he hadn’t had time to eat the whole day, he was too caught up with a chess game in the station. I did not even hear his cruiser coming in.

Disgruntled by how Charlie was oblivious of my decorations, I stared at him more with an intention of imitating Emmett, I wanted to rake for some reaction, but he was as if detained by the taste of it. His eyes were locked to the food no matter how long I stared. It wasn’t s discontent for me at all. It is gratifying to know that someone enjoys your cooking.

‘’You don’t have to wait... You know? I’ll wash the dishes myself… you look pretty worn out, get some rest.’’ He gasped food still in his mouth. He managed to miss his lips while chewing.

‘’Thanks Dad. I love you, night.’’

‘’Sweet dreams.’’

I couldn’t deny the fact that I was exhausted, I was pleased to see my bed beckoning me to rest, but not as much as I see Edward leaning against the window.

He pulled me close to him gently, as if reminding himself that I’m fragile. =.= He wrapped his hands around my waist and carried me to the bed followed by a goodnight kiss and I drifted to sleep while he hum that familiar lullaby. My eye lids were too heavy.

* * * *

I woke up the next morning, the sun shining brightly into the room filling every corner of the room with light, I groaned, searching for Edward’s hand and held them tight when I found them. He kissed my hand tenderly, and he backed away to the rocking chair. I reached out to catch him but missed.

‘’Bella my love, you had a rough night, didn’t you?’’ He asked with eyes filled with concerned.

A struck of horror, ‘What do you mean.’’ I looked at him dumb-struck. .

‘’You were screaming for help, begging for your life. Charlie ran in here panic-stricken with a gun. I thought he was going to shoot whatever moved!’’ My body got tensed up and stared at him, waiting for him to continue. He sounded like he enjoyed the scene he saw.

’’He thought someone broke into the house when he was sleeping. You should have seen his face, he was so uptight, after reassuring himself that all windows and doors were locked tightly, he was hesitating whether to wake you up.. ‘’

I paused trying to think.

‘’Do you want to tell me about it?’’ His eyes filled with curiosity now.

‘’I dreamt of marrying Jacob!’’ I joked but tried to make it sound serious at my best, I’m a horrible actress according to Edward. I somehow, succeeded.

His eyes widen with terror and grabbed me by my shoulder bobbing me lightly, as if I lost my mind. Still worried, he gazed right into my eyes and I broke into a laugh.

I intended to elbow him, but he caught my hand and said. ’’Be serious, Bella, you sounded like someone was slaughtering you!’’

‘’Did I? Probably just an ordinary dream.’’ I assured him.

‘’Are you so used to all these weird dreams that you have? ’’ He teased.

I ignored his question effortlessly.

‘’I’ll wait in the car.’’ He added.

He grinned at me and leaped off the window so gracefully that I stared again.

When I grabbed my bag of toiletries, I noticed beside it, there was a paper, a note from Charlie that Renee is coming over tonight. Phil left her.

Thursday, November 6

bored so did one of the exam questions.

Write a story beginning with these words;
''I had practiced saying it a hundred times but when the moment came, I just couldnt open my mouth....''


Pls tell me how many marks u'll gimme =] upon 50 k?



I had practiced saying it a hundred times but when the moment came, I just couldn't open my mouth, I could feel that he was anxious too. I prepared myself to launch for another attempt. He promised that he will not meddle with what i was bringing up. He was just letting the pen glide on the smooth paper as he works. He did not even shot me a warning look, perhaps it might be inconvenient for him to speak at that moment.

'Are you free to talk now, Carl?' he did not respond, he looked up, answering my question rudely and vaguely showing any interest for the conversation coming up.

'Hurry up, get over it and leave me alone will you?' He scowled.

I was afraid that he would stand up and chew my head off. Me and Carl had never talked for sometime some argument that we had, definitely wouldnt be interesting. So i sucked in a gust of air and finally succeeded.





'Dad, i've selected the college that i want to attend and i already got all the information about the courses that i want. If you approve it and i'll need your signature and also, rendering for my fees.' I sighed lightly, it was too low and he couldn't hear it. He shot me a nasty look, he gunned me down by that stare. I wanted to shrink or cringed, but i know that if that happens something will happen. Carl would notice that i'm afraid and he will use my weakness to come around and hit me hard. He stayed in the bush for a while, and then he just answered.


'No. Now leave me alone.' he spitted.


I kind of expected the answer and so i left the room silently. I did not want to aggravate him any longer. It was a waste of time anyway i thought. I counted backwards. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6....

'Jessica! Come back here!' he yelled.

A smile stretched across my face, but i was thrilled and shock at the same time to have taken him such a long time to 'repent' of how he hurts me. It is a habit of his, to be mean the first but really nice the second. I crept back in the room silently. Hiding my grin at my best, i turned sheepishly to him after the door was closed properly. It was a rehearsed situation or rather i had to act spontaneously to cover up the concealed contents.


The ideas of my speech and vital and how i deliver it was definitely essential. I had to do it in a healthy way so that Carl will not have the chance to say no. Rejecting was something that i will not accept, not until i try my best. I pushed the limits again and again, it was really intimidating for me, being able to deceive my father.


We discussed about the issue that i brought up for a few hundred years as he just stared at me nodding to whatever i say. Good, i thought, he's listening. He was distracted by the television downstairs once in a while because there was an baseball game on. I briefed him through the details i paid attention to and he did not creased his forehead till i mentioned the fees. So there was the limit. I stopped immediately of the pushing. I tried to be shrewd with my words, it was all impromptu and i stumbled over the word choice and lucky enough to grab hold and fix the ends of my sentences.


He nodded again, this time reluctantly. Suddenly feeling injudicious of the arrangement of my sentences, he stared at me in disbelief. BUSTED. I thought. He smiled half heartedly.


I noticed the clock ticking and i glimpse over the materials that scrambled all over his desk and found what he was scribbling on. His account book. I smiled back to him cautioned. My heart throbbed and thought i was kaput(means busted, i laughed the hell out of me, i tot it was funny so i used it). We proceeded i struggled over few things that we discussed , he frowned once in a while. After another few hundred years, he decided to end the conversation, i sighed in relief, kissed him goodnight and washed myself, lay dead on the bed.

The next morning, i tried again, harder this time, very cautious, but it was vainly helping. So he said 'NO. Now will you leave me alone?'

elicia came!

has been a long time since i last met her. she's still cute. more stylish now noticing her fingers and toes. =] i still love her. she is adorable.




my book fell b4 we took this pic and the jacket was becos of the sunny sunny sun shining too brightly over me.

a strange day dream(artistic) cos it made no sense

I was doing my exam while seeing the sun kiss the rooftops of buildings and reflecting the light brightly sometimes it blinds but it fades away quickly. It all became cloudy, perceiving in my mind that i am all worn out. I entertained my day dreaming and loiter in it for sometime. Conversely,it couldnt be oblivious that my day dreaming had took me too far.

The aversion towards the love of my life got to ploy me into a relationship that had no bounds. I did not want to show the skepticism of it so i sat alone in space, the dilemma was, i had no chair on my ASS supporting me. I was moving across and endless room stealthily, being very wary and vigilant to goad any unwanted attention. It felt awkward as if it was my duty to be here walking endlessly, as if i was on parole.


Despite of my unswervingly loyalty towards my master, i felt that it was almost as a routine for some certain duration that i had to do. It all felt like i was in my world, the real word,
as i wonder around i can sense the glowering, and the clandestine objects that were moving around me. There I stood congealed, listening more assiduously.For a moment, it sounded like a conflict was going on, a vicious battle. The atmosphere was really tense, i could feel it pulling me threaten to shred me into pieces. A feeling of repugnance rose inside me.


Sense of hearing was getting stronger, and now another sense came to me. My sight has came to a clear blue sky with fluffy cotton clouds raced through the heavens as if pursued, following by the dark dense sober. I knew that trouble stared at me in the eye as darkness engulfed, at that moment in time i cringed abruptly feeling that something was coming to me. Something unfortunate.


I shook my head back and forth wishing the sight would fall out from my head, hoping to open my eyes and find that i over reacted and it was all peaceful and tranquil . I took a few more steps forward, stumbling over something i turned around to see what was it. There, a body laid cold and still. I inhaled a lot of air, i was shocked. When the air went through my nostrils, the stinging pain and the stench made me feel aghast. I had to admit that it was an eyesore. I had never been afraid of bodies but i couldnt stand blood. The rusty smell of it triggers the off button in me.


Just seconds later, i saw the furious sky pelted rain upon the land, i squinted my eyes as hard as i can, a silhouette of something moving in the seas. Battered by the towering waves, a yacht was what i spotted limped back towards the shore. Frowns of frustration crease my forehead. Why is all these strange things that i'm seeing? The gusty wind stripped the tree of its luscious foliage. Another silhouette was spotted between the trees, something white and pale looking - person. Fear gripped me tight and i was rooted. My instinct told me to take off, but the grasp was too strong. I was too frail and i couldn't overcome such force. I felt weaker than ever. I tried to scream to the top of my lungs, the motion happened but nothing came out.
what? am i mute now. Goodness me.

That 'person' probably took off because of the contorted expression i had displayed on my face, gracefully. It is so absurd! I am stringed with thoughts of horror, fear and anger. Unable to do any good act that would help, the scarcity of bravery, courage. I became really repulsive to myself and the situation , feeling like a total retard. I withdrew my thought and stare blankly into nothing again.

Time flashed, another object apprehended my thoughts. I stood there once again puzzled, overwhelming in anger, i felt that it was gonna tore me into pieces. All i wanna do is rip this whole scene out of me, throw it with anguish as far as possible hopefully across the horizon. I wanna get out of where i was. I was all sadistic.


I thought of what my mentor deposited in my mind, the words of my idol, you can onli achieve something when u make it happen and not want it happen onli. Not let dreams be our masters.


The light bulb appeared on my head and it was lit with light. I found a way to dismember myself from that awkward scene. I opened my eyes for real this time. The nightmare i've woken up from, did not seem to end. My test paper lay there starring at me blankly.

Something was wrong, i felt amazingly uncomfortable, the guy beside me was chuckling under his breathe. I knew something was on my face cos when i met his gaze, his eyes flickered away quickly. i rubbed my face and found out that. i was actually drooling.


Looked outside again out into the blue. FORTUNATELY, the sun was dancing there but the air was cooling as ever. Soft breeze blew across my face, a scent that made me drool once more. I started with another dream that made up to the top 5 weirdest dream of my life.