the welcoming doctor finally get to meet me AGAIN today.
so i was in his office and he was as usual.
frowning.
so i knew bad news.
did another test today.

so i was waiting on the bench. holding the toy that ryan gave
almost riped the head of cos i was dam pissed off.
i punch it all the time
almost did use scissors once. but it wouldnt be fun

so when the nurse announced my return.
i went in and the doctor tried to had a welcoming smile.
and uhh.. just tried to smile lo.

so he was going through the stuff and the results with me.
starting off with a casual conversation then back to the business..
results ain't good.

so the big white bed is beckoning me to lie on it
AGAIN.

aiks.

MORE needles. and more yucky drinks if i wanna go out.
he says this time is not that bad. and uh..
needles and tubes will still be necesary but..
not that much as last time.

and i asked
''doctor?''
the he say yes? my dear? just call me -- (his name).
''okay. --''
hmmmm?
''can i have smaller and shorter needles this time? the long ones creeps me out.''
and i showed him my puppy face. which of cos SEEMED to work.
and he smiled and said.
well of cos darling. i dun wan to cause u pain if not necessary.
so i smiled with hope and said.
''really?''
too excited..

and he said.
''if u get bigger and longer needles and u'll recover faster. will u take it?''
the atmosphere was really tense.
so i responded.
'' pls have the needles real short and small and fat then.''

so he barked out a laugh and went back to the papers.
you should be back b4 00.00.2008
then i said..

''uhhh okay?''
he's head still down and eyes on the paper.
''but remember short small and fat needles okay?''

he looked up. and rolled his eyes.
''aww you silly! you dun have a choice. you know what problem you have and u cant stay here for long cos it'd be bad news. now, we couldn't afford that to happen rite?''


=.=

he said the magic word darn it.


so i sighed and said.
'' yes my love.''

and he laughed badly this time. hahaha. =.=

when i was at the door. i added.
'' your wish, my command.''


and when i got out. i mumbled.
''like i have a choice'' =.= and rolled my eyes with the envelope in my hands.
i clutched it tight till it crumbled.
and dumped it in the nearest dumpster i could reach.

deep in thought in the car. my phone suddenly rang with my fav song.
looked at the caller ID and smiled.
butterflies burst in my stomach and flew around with very much freedom.
so i took a deep breathe and picked up the phone.

''hello?''
''hey jane. how's the results? will u finally be out from the drinks?''

he was the onli one i told and trusted. and uhhh just recently i told him.
he saw wat i had to swallow when i'm heading out.

''uhhhh..''

''uhhh ohh.. not bad. hesitance. VERY bad.'' he sighed.
'' i was so glad that u said u'd come with me to the date. i mean i'm delighted.''
through the phone i could picture that he's smiling.

and i said, '' i'm sorri, but i guess i'll have to postpone it again. ''

disappointment struck right at his chest. and he made a clicking noise.

''oh well then, i'll wait, tell me when you need any help.''

''hey, ummm.. dun get the wrong idea okay? i mean. it's not a date. it's just, a day out to know more abt each other. i mean. i'm.. uhh.. not interested in anyone yet.'' i shrugged at the idea of us being together.

''ya whatever. see you soon. bye.''

''ya, bye. uhh sorriee..''

i didnt get to finish my sentence and he hanged up already.
so i text him. i'm sorrie.

he called back within a few seconds.
'' i know that you're recuperating mentally and stuff? but uhh. physically u know that u're deteriorating rite? i mean. the last time i've seen u, and now. u've lost some weight.''

i lost weight? i grinned widely.
'' really? THANKS. thank you for understanding. and.. sorriee again.''

my spine once became a noodle and it's back to a well. not so strong bone.
and my muscles at my waist are not strong enough.
doctor said i had to lose weight.
and i did.
i mean i'm suppose to.

so the scale on the weighing machine.
dropped and raised perceptibly.
i blamed that it's too sensitive =.=

it hits me hard when i gain weight.
and a huge sense of achievement when i loose it.
everything i ate was very ummm.. appetizing. i would say.
but uhh.. mayb not that healthy.

so life goes on. with books and more writings.