today when i was dragging her out of the host.
she looked really tired and lifeless.. in the car. i was sitting in the front sit with my dad.
i tot she was sleeping when i took the picture and there she was. wearing a sad gloom mask staring at her fingers. it was quite obvious that she was deep in thought.
i took a picture wanting to show how lifelesss she was. but.
just b4 it clicked. she looked up. and something forced out of her.
i lied. she knew i was. i was bad at it. it broke my heart to see her in needles. she was lonely and reading. other than the starbucks she was not that excited bout anything else.
her skin is getting thin and the needles pulled out and put in again. was seen almost protruding out of her skin. yes. she looked at me feebly. and smiled again. it didnt reach her eyes. she didnt wan me to be down like the others. she kept babbling away bout the twilight movie that she was catching.
janie janie i said. look up at me..
she ignored me and looked out of the sky..
and she pointed and said softly. with her weak voice.
'look.' pointing out of the window.
she said from this angle. it looked familiar. and so we took another one.
it was our day out. and we promised not to talked bout him.. i could see the pain she suffered. and suppressing herself. i wonder how she does it. my curiosity took charged a while and i asked. how can u do this alone? and she gazed at me in wonder and said. becos u're right here wit me. my bestest fren.we haven talked for a long time. she had a dramatic changed. now so feeble. she also told me her unstable weight every morning and weariness. the therapy she's going through makes her sleep a lot..
just today. i caught her crying again on her bed. i asked if she was in pain. she said yes. mentally just not physically. the pain she's withstanding mentally has broken her into pieces and the physical one caused nothing but numbness..
she forced herself to smile to comfort me. she knew how worried i was for her. sometimes when she doesnt dare to sleep or cant.. i'll have to read for her. to go to bed. i knew how much he meant for her. she use to tell me how important he was and blablabla. i just ignored her.
i dun give a crap abt him. he caused massive damage and he will live on. she talk abt him so much involuntarily. she was refreshing her mind again and again. again and again! it pisses me off! so much that i wanna strangle her and tell her to stop. to her. the poison will heal. she's using how it hurts to heal. i miss her smile. that touches her eyes. not just to comfort me. or cover up her sorrowness.
she is bias of the fact that onli she can talk abt him and i cant. she praises him everyday every second and every mint i got so sick of it sometimes i just fill my other ear with music, or pretend to listen and let my mind wander.
she bore me with all those crap abt him. how nice he was and bla bla bla till their feelings turned cold. and faded. she will smile with satisfaction when she sees how much she bored me.
she constantly fold her hands when she wasnt holding her book and play with that stupid olympic panda that she brought with her along wit the stupid i love u a whole lot bear. it's really disturbing.
i came a bit late to see her today. and she was talking to them. that scene totally creep me out u know. she saw me but she just ignored. the nurse came in to check her. it was painful to be her support. cos she tries to pinch me. when it doesnt hurt at all. she doesnt have the mood for it according to her.
she read books to take her mind off him. and now i'm downloading some classic songs for her. preparing the activities we're gonna do tomoro. she said she doesnt wanna go. but she promised to go to chi cheng's church so.. that will be her last time most probably comng out. she said it was really painful. to pull it out and put it back in.
from what i see. now. jane will not make it through for this. she was designed to take this pain. but she. have to go on wit life. and give him back his freedom and happiness.
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