Me, Jane

As hope left me bared and cold, a mark was left on my chest. A mark so deep mentally but light physically, a remarkable feeling, tasted like gratifying love, but it was not. A barrier blocked my vision as I stood helplessly in the clearings. My throat was down to the core parched and cracks were obvious on my lips, blood crept across them. I’m thirsty, again, a thirst of being adored, comforted, loved, accompanied, appreciated, or just loved.
A feeling of anguish gushed up in me, remembering the pain so vividly in my mind. Sadly, I’m an avid reader of my past, and it seems to help but does directly the opposite. It wasn’t fair, I thought in my mind of how I was treated in return. A feeling of aversion boiled in me, so hot that angelic part of me skidded to a stop to prevent from being scalded. An old saying ‘’How you treat people, that’s how they’re going to treat you.’’ Have a cost such severe sorrow and put you in agony so often? A nuisance always at the wrong time. Okay, fine. All the time.
Have I always been a pest of irritant? I hope not. I fuss about my sacrifice and nag about your aggressiveness. I spoil your reputation and shame you. I am so selfish. I do not think of what my actions are, I am too selfish to look into the mirror and say ‘’Jane you’re such a bitch, when are you going to wake up? You’re ruining lives and reputation. Have you got no dignity? Responsible of the actions that you’d commit?’’
Shame on you Jane.
I’m so disappointed Jane.
Shut the hell up and get the fuck out of my life Jane.
I don’t care Jane.
Stop being so self-centered Jane.
I bet I would be at the top in the list of Hall of Shame and way down the assessment for Hall of Fame. I have lost my dignity, no where to be found. I keep reminding myself, to keep it in mind, I’m not gonna end up as a slave, I’m gonna have dignity.
Today, I had plenty of time, while I was in queue, so I thought of my past again. As anticipated, I cringed at the twinge on my chest, a heavy object landed with a bang. Preventing from tears streaming down my eyes, I held back with all my will. A sight that I caught, a father’s love for the first time I’ve seen with my own eyes. I was dead jealous. A different kind of spasm. A feeling so familiar but yet so bizarre. I tried not to be bias of how I look at my dad. Well, as I prefer, father.
Everyone can be a father or mother, you just need sperm and ovum. Can anyone just be a daddy or a mommy? No. Some parent/s do not bother to carry the burden, or in some stupid excuse DO NOT KNOW THE BURDEN. So unaware of the responsibilities they just gained and continue life as if they threw a plastic bag into the sea and see a dolphin drowned by it. (Does it work? o.O) or like. Boiling puppies alive. The fact is that people are to concentrated on their sleep-deprived life and overlook the necessity of love among children.
I went to borders today. I felt more lucky than ever. I can buy whatever books I wan. Well the true thing is I read Albert’s blog before I left my house, it was sweet and so sad. I’m so happy I didn’t have to experience what he had to face in his childhood. I would’ve whine so badly and send my own beloved mother to the grave without notice. My eyes moved alone the lines quick, I was late, for an appointment but I didn’t wanna leave b4 finishing it. It caught my attention soo deep and now it’s buried in me.
I was so touched. I felt different. I want to spend every single minute with my mom. I’m glad she’s still alive and will be. I’m so happy that she is still loving me and not holding grudges against me. I’m so grateful that she did not raise me up like some weak whiny weaklings. I love her. Now. And will always do, no matter where she is.

Mommy, I love you =] If you read my blog. AND Janie. You’re so tiny standing on earth, but being able to cause such huge annoyance is just your specialty. Be humble.