i feel guilty

i did something that i'm not suppose to do.. i.. went in his blog.. i knew it was for a specific someone. but. i too know that it's not for me.. i know u're not for me.

uh huh. and i dun love u. i stopped at the first. and i saw a bit of the last. i wan to know no more. =] cos it is already forbidden for me to go there. i've left footprints and i'm not gonna track them back..

he got the results for me and send it to the host. and now the envelope lie in front of me. afraid to open knowing wat's there to come. i knew i did badly, distracted by a certain difficulties i was experiencing through skipping all the questions and jumping to conclusion.

stupid.


it feels much better to get him off my chest. =] and umm.. ya.. now that i found the needles hurt more than it does last time.. as the needles get bigger and more drugs needed to pump in my blood. i held a breathe and they pushed the liquid in gently. my pulse was getting slow.. and i know. the drugs worked.. i drifted into sleep finally.. although with drugs, i've been suffering sleep deprivation.


i'm glad that u've moved on =) still ahead of me. but believe me. someday i'll catch up wit u.

turns out. things werent as scary as i tot. to live without u.. starbucks and books was enough to take my mind off u.. so.. grats for getting a chance...



back to the self centered me..

yesterday.. after michelle's church.. admit back into host for another umm.. private procedure that i have to go through. and umm.. here i am in starbucks again.. =) wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

i tot it was all okay.. so when they say i have to go back in i was left astounded, i was rooted to the ground by fear, the fear of needles and pain. My hair has been falling.. my face is getting pale, but i'm dark so u cant really see the diff. haaha.. some new guy beside me tot i was a malay till he saw what i wore when i was discharged >.<

hahahhaa.. ya so i look like a malay now =.= so my cold and cough is not going anywhere.


i will win this battle this time. =] i will not lose to u ryan. this is a battle that i need to win. i have to win this =] and b4 i leave here. i will get over it. cos now it's the best time. the amount of apathy showed was more than enough to proof that u no longer care. u dun gib a dam =] ya...

i'm glad that i've live through. i know u would've have kept track u know when was our anniversary and stuff or when did we break up. ummm.. so next month will be the 3rd =] phew..

can i return to as i was? beatific? now.. u have became a blot on a landscape to me..

the most beautiful person that i've seen, with a black heart? nah. u're awesome urself. u lov eurself a lot good for u. perhaps this time i've finally ready to say that i'm over u? it wouldn've hurt to see u out wit another girl u know.. just thinnk of it as i expected it k? =] u would've lived on walked on without looking back.. GOOD FOR EU! i'm happy foru.